Last week, my friend and I were out for coffee and, as it often does, our conversation turned to our kids and some issues they had been facing. As we talked about the girls and life's ups and downs, his face fell, and he said something that stuck with me: "I just don't understand why the kids can't accept being miserable and just move on with it. That's what you have to do." I was taken aback for a moment. Inside, my heart sank. There is an Oscar Wilde quote that has lingered with me for years: "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." My friend's words felt like a perfect example of existing—going through the motions, accepting misery as the default. But, I've lived long enough to know that life doesn't have to be that way, and I believe we're all capable of truly living if we choose to.
So, don't get me wrong--I've certainly had my fair share of struggles. I've made plenty of mistakes in life, but I have learned a thing or two, also. For example, life isn't just about enduring or "getting by." It's about finding meaning, chasing moments of joy, and refusing to let the weight of the world dull your spark. So today, I want to share a different perspective—one that pushes back on the idea of accepting misery and offers a few thoughts on how to start truly living, no matter where you are in life.
Existing vs. Living: What's the Difference?
When Oscar Wilde said that most people merely exist, I believe he was pointing to the way so many of us fall into living life on autopilot. We get up, make breakfast, go to work, clean the house and repeat—often without questioning if there's more to it. Existing is surviving, checking boxes off the to-do list, and letting life happen to us. Living, on the other hand, is taking the reins. It's about seeking purpose, embracing curiosity, and finding beauty even in the small things. Living life is unfortunately rare because it isn't actually as "easy" as it sounds. Living takes effort, courage, and it requires that we venture outside the comfort zone of "just getting by."
I've been there myself. There were years in my life when I felt stuck in a pattern I hated, going through the motions because, partly, I thought that's what you're supposed to do. I knew that simply wasn't true--but it was easy to fall into the trap of "misery". I felt empty inside. It wasn't until I started asking myself what I really wanted—beyond the paycheck or the expectations—that I began to feel alive again. That shift didn't happen overnight, but it started with a choice: to stop accepting misery as my baseline.
Why "Accepting Misery" Isn't the Answer
Life can be really hard sometimes. There are always bills to pay, unexpected health challenges to face, or heartaches that knock the wind out of us. For many of us, especially in older generations, the message was often, "Suck it up and keep going." And while resilience is important, there's a difference between pushing through tough times and resigning yourself to a life without joy or meaning. Accepting—or worse, telling our kids—that misery is just "part of life" robs us of the chance to grow, to dream, and to find what makes life actually worth living.
I've seen firsthand that accepting misery as the norm can create a ripple effect. It can make us bitter, disconnected, and closed off to new possibilities. It can teach our children to give up on happiness or fulfillment. People shouldn't see life as a set of miserable daily chores. We're in this world to experience, to create, and to connect--not just endure the mundane tasks.
Steps Toward Truly Living
So how do we move from existing to living? I'm not promising a magical fix or a life without struggles, but I've found a few things over the years that have helped me—and maybe they'll help you too.
Decide What Makes you Feel Alive
Take a moment to figure out what brings you joy or peace in your life. What makes you feel most "alive"? Maybe you love painting, hiking in nature, cooking huge family dinners, or even just relaxing with a good book. I love home improvement and decorating. I love color and natural elements--but my home became a mismatch of my family's styles and interests over the past twenty years. Reclaiming my home--and reflecting my style recently--has become a source of peace and pride I hadn't felt in ages. It doesn't have to be big or grand—just something that stirs your soul. Start small and make time for it.
Defeat the "This Is Just How It Is" Mindset
If you think that misery is inevitable in your life, pause and ask, "Is that true, or have I made it my comfort zone?" Sometimes, we trap ourselves with old beliefs. Sometimes, we find ourselves turning into our parents and exhibiting the limitations that bound them that don't actually exist in our current lives. I am unlearning the idea that changing careers in my 50s isn't "too late." While it hasn't been easy, making changes has opened new opportunities I didn't know existed five years ago! You don't have to overhaul your life overnight, but start questioning the limits you've set for yourself.
Connect With Others
One of the biggest differences between existing and living is connection. When we isolate ourselves or keep our struggles bottled up, life feels heavier. Schedule lunch with an old friend, join a fitness class at the gym, join a hiking club, or even strike up a conversation with a stranger. I've found some of my most meaningful moments in unexpected chats at the gym or volunteering at a community event. We're not meant to do this alone—shared laughter or a kind word can remind you why life matters.
Set a Small, Bold Goal
Living life means taking risks--even if they are just tiny ones. Think of something you've always wanted to try but talked yourself out of—a class, a trip, or even speaking up about something that matters to you. A few years back, I decided to join a gym despite having zero experience with strength training or gym equipment. I didn't know what I was doing, but I didn't give up, and I learned something new that I love. It reminded me that I could still try to learn new things. Pick one thing and go for it.
Savor the Ordinary
Finally, remember that living doesn't always mean chasing big adventures. Sometimes, life means appreciating the little things instead--like the simple beauty of a clump of wildflowers, the smell of pine trees, or the feel of your dog's fur. Slow down and appreciate little moments, especially on days when life feels heavy. These things are small reminders that even the mundane can be be beautiful.
A Call to Live, Not Just Exist
Oscar Wilde's words should actually challenge us to never settle for merely existing when you have the incredible opportunity to live. I should have told my friend that life doesn't have to be a slog—that even in our hardest moments, there's room for hope, for joy, for something more. And to the younger folks who might feel pressure to "just accept" misery, I want to say this: you don't have to.
Even after all these years, there are still days that I struggle with this realization, and fall into a blah-blah-blah path of "existence". Living—truly living—is honestly an active choice we make every day. It's messy, it's imperfect, and sometimes it's so very hard. But it's also the rarest, most precious thing we can do.
So, if you have been feeling stuck and miserable in life--take a small step today toward a life that feels like yours because you deserve it. Nobody should accept being miserable. That is simply not how we should be living our lives every day.
What's one thing that makes you feel alive?
I'd love to hear about it in the comments.
Let's inspire each other to keep choosing life over mere existence.